Sunday, August 31, 2014

weather

It's the first day of September and Lydia hasn't decided what she wants to wear to school.
The weather is getting colder so she might be able to pull off a big sweater, but it could be risky if it gets hot later because Austin always gets mad when she wears big sweaters in the heat.

Classes were long and just like Lydia figured, it got hot in the afternoon so now she is sitting in Austin's truck trying to air herself out before he has a chance to touch her sweaty torso. It doesn't take long before his hand is on the inside of her thigh and she is wrapping her legs around his, her shirt  is coming off and the perspiration on her skin starts to gleam in the evening light.

"Why do you always do this, baby? You know I hate touching you when you're all sweaty"
All she can hear is "You know I hate touching you" so she pushes her pelvis closer to his, her lips sliding down his neck and along his collar bone.

"I'm sorry, I was running late."
She whispered the words in his ear, trying to guide his hands to her chest, but he starts to resist.

She can feel the annoyance in his breathing and she knows in a matter of seconds she will have to slide off of his lap and reclaim her spot near the window. She can feel his hands on her waist already pushing her body away from his, but she gives it one last try.

She runs her fingers through his hair and tells him she needs him. She kisses his mouth, hard. She inches her fingers along the inside of his waistband, sliding her hand underneath the elastic of his Hanes.

His fingers grab hold of her wrists, gently, but with a purpose.

"It's time for you to go home. I have practice in the morning."

The truck engine rumbles and he twists the radio dial all the way up, eliminating any chance of a conversation. She places her hand on his leg and closes her eyes.
Maybe tomorrow the weather will be colder.


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Complementary


You can call me pretty all you want, but that doesn't mean a thing. 
I know I am pretty. 
That may sound conceded or slightly pretentious but I have heard the same phrase my entire life. 
People comment on my photos, they tell my mom and grandparents, boys send me texts.
I have been called pretty over a hundred times iand at this point I don't want to hear it anymore. 
"Thank you" I reply. "You're pretty attractive yourself" 
The words have no weight because they carry no meaning.
The knowledge that someone is physically attracted to me is about as important as the ant that was just squished by a hello kitty shoe on an elementary school playground somewhere in Northern Nebraska. 

The other day a boy told me that I knew how to think. 
A few weeks ago a boy told me that I am going to have a great marriage once I find the right guy. 
Last year a boy told me that I am going to be an amazing mother and wife. 

I couldn't tell you the name of the last person that commented in my appearance, but I can tell you the name and birthdate of each boy that gave me those compliments. I can tell you what the sky looked like and what position I was sitting in. I can describe the feeling I got deep in my chest when I heard the words and I can tell you the color of each boys socks. 

Those words left imprints on my soul. 
I don't know if I have an extraordinary mind. 
I don't know if I will have a good marriage. 
I don't know if I will make a great mother or be an adequate wife.  

But somebody else does know that, and they felt that it was important enough to tell me.
That is affection and those are words I yearn to hear. 

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Factual

I Don't Know How To Let People In

I Have Fat Around My Hips

My Skin Is Paper White

I've Never Had A Real Boyfriend

I Don't Think I Have Feelings 

 

Saturday, August 2, 2014

By The Way

The late nights and the early mornings
The sunburns and the bug bites
The late night phone calls and long shifts at work
The best friends that practically live at your house
The sweatshirt that still smells like your last boyfriend
The pain in your stomach when you think about long lost friends
The way your dog sticks her tongue out while shes sleeping
The long showers that never get cold because your parents finally bought a tank-less water heater
The new shoes that kind of hurt your feet but you don't want to admit that they aren't perfect
The shattered iphone screens
The 9 comforters and 7 pillows that you can't sleep without
The way your heart drops every time his new girlfriends posts pictures of them on cute dates
The sorrow that you feel for her when he is taking her to all of the places you used to go
The way your mom asks what time you will be home that night
The taste of captain crunch and two percent milk at 3am after fighting with your best friend
The snagged string of your favorite sweater
The long list of things that belong on this list

also I miss you.