These tickets weren't cheap

My mouth is wider than the Savannah sky,
I think I could Swallow the world whole without as much as a whisper From the universe.
Everyone says that you need a plan. Everyone says you need to Have your life figured out.
But everyone also says that now is the time to Mess up.
I have never felt as Whole as I did the Moment I tipped that glass bottle up against my lips.

I remember when I wasn't Afraid to get too close to the Mirror.
But now I don't know the girl that's staring Back at me and I don't know what she will do if I accidentally Touch her glassy skin. So I keep my distance. I don't even Lean in when I'm putting on My mascara.
Just in Case, You know.

Everything in my closet is from the Gap and I wish there Was only one kind of Gap and I sure as hell wish it Stayed inside that suffocating mall.
But it leaks out of the doors and it Separates us. the gap. it separates all of us.

I used to know why I believed these things. I used to have a purpose on Sunday mornings, and my prayers used to Be for others but now I am lucky if my prayers are about anything but myself.
but that's Why I don't pray.

Now I just get drunk on your Smile, but your lips haven't spoken my name in ages. I remember your kiss, but I have never felt It.
My parents still haven't checked on me In years.

I get high off of words, and the Letters become spilled coffee, but the words still sing. The black curves on paper still make my blood rush And My soul burns almost as much as it did when the whiskey Torched my throat.

My dad told me that he would Come visit me, since my mom flew all the way out to Boston for my sister. She bought her doc martens, but I'll be lucky if my dad remembers what city I live in. I had cereal for thanksgiving dinner While my best friend who now hates me sat upstairs. My kitchen counters were freezing and by the time I remembered I had a heart, the Skies were already black.

My mouth is as wide as the Savannah sky but I have never even been to Savannah.

permenantly temporary (long live the bean bags)

The cardboard boxes should be painted better colors.
They make the already bleak walls look like Arizona soil.
The more the boxes are moved, the emptier they get.
They become harder to shut though.

The strings become thinner, and easier to break.
Most of them we don't even bother tying, just for convenience when our time is done.
We flash those smiles in the refrigerator light, and for the flickering screens.
When the doors shut and the showers turn on, the smiles melt and drip onto our toes along with the scalding water.

The mud and berries are temporary thrills, just embellishments, like the gold frame you hung to hide the crack in the drywall.

The tilt-a-whirl doesn't stop spinning until it's time is up.
And surely every tilt-a-whirl is on it's own schedule.
(the schedules are not, however, available for viewing)

So we wait, and we run and we play hide and seek.
We crack and we fall, and we cover it up.
We sing and we paint, but the paint never chips.
 
And the schedules are still not available for viewing. 


 

Run by me

I couldn't make eye contact with you that day because as soon as I pulled up to your house and saw the clothes you were wearing I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Your polo and colored shorts made you look like an east coast boy, and if you were an east coast boy then you weren't anywhere close to me.
You got in the car and I tried to play it cool, but every time I tried to look into your eyes those shorts just screamed at me and I remembered how far away that silly college was from Oregon and from Utah.
I knew that you would notice my eyes hadn't met yours because you notice everything and you analyze everything but I liked that, so don't think I am complaining.
You bought me my chai tea latte because I picked you up since your car stopped working because you didn't pay enough attention to it. I didn't mind picking you up though because it meant I got to see you.
I just really wasn't expecting those east coast shorts.

I am sorry that I got mad at you, and I am sorry that I forgave you, and I am sorry that I don't know anything about my brain, but I am glad that you do.

You asked me why I couldn't look at you, and you thought it was because I was embarrassed since I wasn't wearing makeup.
Of course that seemed silly to me because you have seen me a million times without makeup, plus who cares about makeup anyways? Also you told me that I was decently attractive, so I wasn't very worried.

It's just that those east coast shorts made my breath turn into tomatoes in my throat, and you know how I am so allergic to tomatoes.
But now you really are an east coast boy, and you really are far away from Oregon and from Utah.

And you have a new best friend, and you say that she is great, but you also say that she's not like me at all.

I hope that she likes your east coast shorts and I hope that she has nice ankles, and I hope that she isn't allergic to the tomatoes that make breath get caught in peoples throats.

I hope she is merry and I hope she is graceful and I hope that she appreciates your rants and your speeches and how much you won't stop talking because I appreciate that and I appreciate you.

You're alright, i suppose.

I hope that when you look in the mirror you see the fire in your eyes. The same fire that makes my chest burn every time you laugh.
I wish that you could see the way your lips turn up when you smile, and hear the way your voice gradually gets higher when you're getting excited.
You spend so much of your time making sure that the rest of the world is okay, sometimes I think you forget to check your own pulse, and make sure that you are still beating.
You are always beating though, that's the beauty of you.
Maybe not to the same rhythm as most everyone else, but you still manage to keep up with the melody.
You've saved my life. More than once actually.
Sometimes it's your voice that I hear when I'm lost in the thickest part of the forest.
You never tell me which way to go, but you remind me that it doesn't matter which way.
Whichever way I feel like going, will lead to the right way eventually.
At least I think that's what your words are saying.
Other times I just see you, there's never any sound, but when you've got a soul that speaks as loud as yours, sound is just an afterthought.
Those moments of salvation mean more to me than this entire galaxy, and you do know how much I love the galaxy.

And you'll tell me that these words are great, and that I'm your favorite writer, but I still won't think of these words as mine, and my name will never be associated with Edgar Allen Poe's.

None of that matters though, because we get to lay in the grass at the elementary school where you had your first crush, and you met your best friends. We get to talk about that blonde girl that stole your heart once, but I think she might have given it back now. As long as there are more nights where you drive too fast around corners, and I pretend that I don't care about anything but the stars, then we will be okay. and I will be okay. and you will always, be more than okay.

Grey Matter

There's this large mass of tissue located directly behind my eyeballs and sometimes I let it get the best of me.
Sometimes I let it convince my eyes that I'm not pretty, and sometimes I let it tell my body that it's too big.
Sometimes I let it scream at my cells that there is something wrong with them, and sometimes it whispers to my heart and says there isn't any love left in there.

Other people have this weird tissue behind their eyeballs too, but their tissue is nicer.
Their tissue tells my eyes that I am pretty, and it tells my body that its the right size no matter what.
Their tissue is infatuated with the way my cells work, and it even thinks their might be some love left somewhere in my right atrium.

I think I like their tissue better than my own.
but I think that's what started this problem in the first place. 

weather

It's the first day of September and Lydia hasn't decided what she wants to wear to school.
The weather is getting colder so she might be able to pull off a big sweater, but it could be risky if it gets hot later because Austin always gets mad when she wears big sweaters in the heat.

Classes were long and just like Lydia figured, it got hot in the afternoon so now she is sitting in Austin's truck trying to air herself out before he has a chance to touch her sweaty torso. It doesn't take long before his hand is on the inside of her thigh and she is wrapping her legs around his, her shirt  is coming off and the perspiration on her skin starts to gleam in the evening light.

"Why do you always do this, baby? You know I hate touching you when you're all sweaty"
All she can hear is "You know I hate touching you" so she pushes her pelvis closer to his, her lips sliding down his neck and along his collar bone.

"I'm sorry, I was running late."
She whispered the words in his ear, trying to guide his hands to her chest, but he starts to resist.

She can feel the annoyance in his breathing and she knows in a matter of seconds she will have to slide off of his lap and reclaim her spot near the window. She can feel his hands on her waist already pushing her body away from his, but she gives it one last try.

She runs her fingers through his hair and tells him she needs him. She kisses his mouth, hard. She inches her fingers along the inside of his waistband, sliding her hand underneath the elastic of his Hanes.

His fingers grab hold of her wrists, gently, but with a purpose.

"It's time for you to go home. I have practice in the morning."

The truck engine rumbles and he twists the radio dial all the way up, eliminating any chance of a conversation. She places her hand on his leg and closes her eyes.
Maybe tomorrow the weather will be colder.

Complementary

You can call me pretty all you want, but that doesn't mean a thing. 

I know I am pretty. 

That may sound conceded or slightly pretentious but I have heard the same phrase my entire life. 

People comment on my photos, they tell my mom and grandparents, boys send me texts.

I have been called pretty over a hundred times iand at this point I don't want to hear it anymore. 

"Thank you" I reply. "You're pretty attractive yourself" 

The words have no weight because they carry no meaning.

The knowledge that someone is physically attracted to me is about as important as the ant that was just squished by a hello kitty shoe on an elementary school playground somewhere in Northern Nebraska. 

The other day a boy told me that I knew how to think. 

A few weeks ago a boy told me that I am going to have a great marriage once I find the right guy. 

Last year a boy told me that I am going to be an amazing mother and wife. 

I couldn't tell you the name of the last person that commented in my appearance, but I can tell you the name and birthdate of each boy that gave me those compliments. I can tell you what the sky looked like and what position I was sitting in. I can describe the feeling I got deep in my chest when I heard the words and I can tell you the color of each boys socks. 

Those words left imprints on my soul. 

I don't know if I have an extraordinary mind. 

I don't know if I will have a good marriage. 

I don't know if I will make a great mother or be an adequate wife.  

But somebody else does know that, and they felt that it was important enough to tell me.

That is affection and those are words I yearn to hear. 

Factual

I Don't Know How To Let People In

I Have Fat Around My Hips

My Skin Is Paper White

I've Never Had A Real Boyfriend

I Don't Think I Have Feelings 

 

By The Way

The late nights and the early mornings
The sunburns and the bug bites
The late night phone calls and long shifts at work
The best friends that practically live at your house
The sweatshirt that still smells like your last boyfriend
The pain in your stomach when you think about long lost friends
The way your dog sticks her tongue out while shes sleeping
The long showers that never get cold because your parents finally bought a tank-less water heater
The new shoes that kind of hurt your feet but you don't want to admit that they aren't perfect
The shattered iphone screens
The 9 comforters and 7 pillows that you can't sleep without
The way your heart drops every time his new girlfriends posts pictures of them on cute dates
The sorrow that you feel for her when he is taking her to all of the places you used to go
The way your mom asks what time you will be home that night
The taste of captain crunch and two percent milk at 3am after fighting with your best friend
The snagged string of your favorite sweater
The long list of things that belong on this list

also I miss you. 

Twine and Paper Clips

If you live too deeply in the moment, you have no future.
If you look only to the future, you will never enjoy the moment.

It's funny how something happens, and even though somewhere in your brain you know that this event will have no impact on your life in the long skip, it consumes you. It seems as if your entire world is flipped upside down and nothing will ever be the same; until tomorrow of course, when your life will somehow manage to pull itself out of the deep trenches of failure and defeat. Somehow you will muster just enough strength to roll out of your bed and pour that morning bowl of cereal.
Somehow.

Life was not granted to our mortal bodies so we could enjoy it,
Life was granted to us so we could live it.

Late night depression and over contemplation doesn't mean you are an emotional wreck.
Feeling like an emotional wreck doesn't mean you are an emotional wreck.
Self worth is infinite and everybody is equal and chocolate ice cream tastes good just like the way kisses feel.

People change and life moves on at funny times but our souls are attached to the insides of our bodies with twine and paper clips, and nobody can change a fact like that.

Let's all wake up tomorrow and roll down a hill without any shoes on.
The hill won't have shoes on, I mean.
They seem to be detrimental to their health...

We will catch squirrels in the park and run away from black and yellow stripes, because precious moments are becoming more rare and far apart.

We can never know whether we should be living wild in that very moment or worrying about what tomorrow might bring, but we will always know which way is up, and how to get to the ocean.


P.S.
I would like to plan for our future.
and
I would like to live in your moments.

Does that sound alright to you?

This thing we call high school.

If I take off the shoes that I used to walk across the stage, will it all be over?

I remember when we read Romeo and Juliet in freshman English and everybody laughed but secretly I wanted to feel the way that star-crossed lovers could.

and I did at some point, I'm sure of it.

People say I'm strong because going to three different high schools isn't an easy thing to do, but I just laugh because it's easier than staying at one, that's for certain.

Sometimes I tell stories about my life and as soon as I am finished I realize that the whole thing was a lie and it never actually happened in reality. But I don't tell anyone that I imagined the whole thing, because nobody likes to be thought of as a liar.

I kissed 6 boys in all of high school and I'm not sure if I actually liked any of them.

All of the boys I did like I was always too scared to kiss. Nobody wants to give away lip cells when they actually mean something.

Remember when Daniel Chen was a nerd and Erin Lowman was popular and nobody talked to somebody like Judy Hutson? Remember when Mary Hutchins was the queen of the school even though half of her friends didn't like her and Chad (the boy that looks like Lenny the Shark) was a loser? Remember how every girl wanted to talk to Zac Collins, but his own friends wouldn't hang out with him?

I do, I think. Or maybe I just made this all up and these people don't matter at all.

I wore short floral shorts to school sophomore year and I still regret that day because Jacob Miller doesn't like girls that wear short floral shorts.



It doesn't matter if I live in Boise or Beaverton or Forest Grove because high school is the same and we all lose our sense of romance after four years of supposed education anyways.

I don't think my parents have checked on me in years.

I could have lived without the changing friend groups, but I'm glad I had a basement door that led up a steep flight of stairs to my backyard so I could escape my thoughts at 2 am when my neighbor wanted Taco Bell.

Maybe sleeping on the trampoline under the stars didn't mean we were cool, and maybe Taylor Swift wasn't singing to make us happier, maybe she just wanted to let herself know it was going to be okay.

High school is all in our heads and if any of us were brave enough to climb down the ladder that led us up into the clouds in the first place we would realize that our dreams make up half of our reality and that boy that sat next to us in AP literature is nothing but a bunch of atoms and particles carved by the hand of God to distract us from Edgar Allen Poe's words of tragedy.

We can kiss boys and we can wear floral shorts and we can tell lies and we can even fantasize over Romeo and Juliet if we want and that doesn't mean that we want to end up dead. Three different high schools in three different cities and two different states over three and a half years doesn't mean that we like change. It just means that we are not in control over our own lives.
and that is okay.

Maybe I shouldn't have graduated after three and a half years. Maybe if I had stayed that extra semester in Oregon instead of running off to BYU where I knew I would be safe, I would be that strong girl that everyone back home talked about.

If I had stood proud on top of a lunch table and let the world know what I believed in, something like Samuel, high school could have been a construction zone. It could have been a place where I built my life.

But instead I am just waiting to get out of here again and run back to BYU where I can build there. I'm just waiting and telling myself that I will be a better person once this is all over.
I whisper to myself late at night, "It's all about the circumstance."

"As soon as I'm in better circumstances, of course I will change my life around. Of course."

And that is the thing that we call high school.

And this is the thing that we call a dream.

And so it goes

1. I haven't cried in a rather long time.
2. I kissed a boy that I don't have any feelings for.
3. My friends in Boise all graduated. and I am here.
4. The future scares me almost as much as the ocean.
5. I have the most fat I have ever had on my body ever and I don't even mind.
6. I think I know what love is. Really, I do.
7. I went swimming today and I felt like I was 6 years old (in a very good way).
8. Somebody likes my writing.
9. I bought my mom flowers today.
10. My two cactus plants are starting to grow.
11. I wish I never left BYU for the summer
12. I don't fit into my family.
13. My brother now has a pet turtle.
14. I want a key to unlock your eyes... you can keep your heart though.
15. I need to find somebody to go on a walk with me tomorrow.

By any other name

Forest Grove, Oregon.
In case you are wondering Forest Grove is nothing like a Grove.

Have you ever missed every single place on this Earth that you have ever been? Every place except for the place that you are right now?

We deserve mountain tops and deep hidden valleys. We deserve a lake where we can sit with our almost-lover that we are too awkward to define anything with. We can cast a fishing line that will float out to the middle of the deep water along with all of our late school assignments and missed calls from mom. We deserve good food and music that doesn't quite match our current mood but it's the only thing on Spotify and we already used all of our skips for the hour.



Or maybe we don't deserve these things but it's the least this universe could do for leaving us here in this town that somebody called a grove.
We could lock this town up forever if we wanted. We could throw the key into Hells Canyon or grind it up and sprinkle it over rice so the children in Singapore could finally get some protein in their diets.

But we don't because somewhere deep inside our hearts (probably somewhere near the left ventricle) we know that this town built us, or we built it, or maybe we both just sat around while the armies of adults that gave us lunch detention and cut our sandwhiches and gave us 78% on art projects that deserved much higher built this town and us. Maybe. or maybe we are all just foxes and our minds are fleeting and this life is just a practice for us all because the eternities will be perfect.



Forest Grove is not a Grove and nobody wants it to be.

I believe we are right back to where we started. I surely do believe.

I like that you write beautiful words, and I also like that I am trying
I think it's funny when you ask me if your pants match your shirt
The creators of Star Trek put a horn on a dog and pretended it was an alien, but nobody cared because people don't watch Star Trek just because they like the way the aliens look
I don't like you just because your pants match your shirt, either
I pretend that I am interested in every word that leaves your sometimes chapped lips, but if we are being honest, (and we are) I don't particularly care about a lot of things
You don't always pretend that you are interested in me
Sometimes that will irk me, but most of the time I like it because it means you are not a pretender
I would like to become less of a pretender, I think. I haven't quite decided though
Your eyes tend to shred me
S-H-R-E-D
I don't melt, or get the butterflies, or even get the warm and fuzzies
I just shred
Each time I look at you a small piece of myself just slips off
I imagine it flutters to wherever pieces of people usually go
It's slightly terrifying because what if one day there isn't enough of me to take you in?
What if I become too small, too shredded, to process what the funny freckles on your nose look like when you laugh?
What if I can't internalize the smell of that lime green soccer jersey that I hate so much?
You don't even like soccer
I like you though, and if you don't like soccer then maybe I don't either
If you don't like me, then maybe I don't either
But then again, that would be so silly to like you, a separate being, if I didn't even like my own self, now wouldn't it?
Now wouldn't it.